Thin Line
December 7th, 2007I am halfway in it when I see the steamed windows across the street go from yellow dripping sweat to humid dark sleep. Lights out, Savasana. I thump one hand down on my cocktail napkin to keep the sweat from my own rocks glass from picking up the damp square as I lift/swig. I thought of here, so I came to here; a long dark bar with shapes of regular, belly-up men talking the same old shit, a flat screen, a bartender who asks where we’ve been and tells us he’s missed us, the same rocks glass with that unmistakable seeping in that takes the wince out of my day and makes me not care about my inadequacies that have stacked up: The next hole I had to allow on my brown belt that I wear almost every day, The way I said that thing that I should not have said that I know will come back to bite me in my most valuable places when I am least expecting it, When I said yes when I felt like saying no, Vice versa and then switch it eight times over. This is the day that takes me to this place.
I watch as the lights across the street go off and I know what it means to the 40 glistening people in that room: We can rest, The day is over and we did the best we could, We are spent and sleep is a luxurious treat that we have earned and we get to have all of it.
I drink in my safe neighborhood haunt as the yogis–four car widths across Broadway–burn off thier last pose and try to feel lighter while finding Light. For the first time I remember this feeling and completely yearn for it; the end where you are a rag, wrung out and flattened to the mat, knowing that you just did something here, letting a Light enter.
It is possible to find some kind of God. And I don’t care what people say. There is a way to move, that pushes you to the edge that brings forth a kind of light that you can’t get from a bottle, or a sermon, or a group of people who convince you they know more. Even more than halfway through my night’s share, belly up to my favorite place, I can look across and remember that there was a point when all it took was for me to push my body to feel a certain Light that no thing or place can bring, and all that separates me is an avenue of rushing cars and some fear of being better than I am right now.